My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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