Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
