I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
