how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
