Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
