Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You made out with two different species that night
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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