piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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