saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
