he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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