you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
