Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
