accomplished twins. life is a go
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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