I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
