I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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