3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
