I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
