he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
