So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
