the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
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Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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