omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
