I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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