Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
