ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
