he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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