she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
