i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
barbara walters just said penis...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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