hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
