rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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