ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
