We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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