i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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