Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
