It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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