threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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