Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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