I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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