he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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