This is not my ceiling
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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