someone threw a dead crab at me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
