I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
