I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm getting married
To pizza
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
