I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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