I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
