last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
