areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
