If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
