he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
