Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
