You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
