Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
