Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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