So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
