Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
