You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
