the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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