took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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