a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dear god my vagina.
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