Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
