Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
