So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
